


Among the Ashes

by orphan_account



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety, Caleb-centric, Canon-Typical Violence, Found Family, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-04-20 19:02:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14267541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Caleb struggles to keep himself together all the time. Lucky for him, Mollymauk knows a few ways to pick up the pieces.





	1. Raconteur - one who excels in storytelling

**Author's Note:**

> So! I'm writing a fic for critical role..?  
> After watching a few episodes of the second campaign, I knew that Caleb and Mollymauk were going to be my favourite characters. Mollymauk is the kind of person I aspire to be like (plus tiefling hell yeah) while Caleb is a lot more like how I have been in the past and how I can be now (plus cat!!!!!). And then..... Episode 7 kind of happened and I was like Hm. I guess I ship this now.
> 
> A lot of this will be drawing on my own experiences and hopes for the future, with my own anxiety (social and otherwise) and fun things like that. And by fun, I mean the opposite. This has the potential to get very heavy. I'll be updating tags as I go and put warnings before chapters for especially Rough stuff.
> 
> But yes, this will be very near and dear and personal to my baby heart.

Caleb's hands were shaking.

They'd had a slight tremble to them for years, but it was usually imperceptible. But there were times when they’d shake so much that he could almost hear the rattling of his bones inside of his head. They were the first warning that he was about to lose himself. So when they’d started to shake that evening, he’d excused himself from the company of the others – perhaps a little rudely, but who would expect any less from him – and settled up in a room by himself, staring down at his hands.

They were still shaking.

He leant forward and started to run them through his hair, trying his hardest to ignore how greasy it was. As his fingers caught on tangles, he forced them through and tried to focus on the sharp tugs that accompanied the action.

At the sound of a knock, his breathing stuttered and he looked up to see Nott peering around the edge of the door.

“Caleb? Are you alright?” Beneath her hood, he could see her yellow eyes looking at him with concern. With pity. He couldn’t deal with it, not right now.

“Just-just leave me alone,” he said, voice barely above a whisper. “ _Bitte_.”

“Are things bad again?”

When he didn’t answer, she sighed and closed the door with a soft click. Caleb couldn’t help the wave of guilt that washed over him. She’d only been trying to help and he’d sent her away. He was awful. Terrible. The worst. His fingers tightened around his hair as the thoughts ran repeatedly through his head and pulled.

The pain did nothing to help and he folded in on himself, his face pressed against his knees as he struggled to take in air. Scrunching his eyes shut did nothing to stop the tears from escaping and he simply waited for the moment he’d be able to calm himself down enough.

What must have been minutes felt like hours, as he slowly managed to drag in some deep breaths. Gradually, he allowed his fingers to loosen and fall into his lap, wincing when he realised a few strands were still clinging to his palms. He shook out his wrists and brought the sleeve of his coat up to scrub away at his tear-stained face.

Caleb felt drained, as if every ounce of energy within him had been sucked out. The sun was still high in the sky, but he was too tired to care. Not even bothering to take off his boots, he lay down on one of the cots and let himself float into unconsciousness.

His hands were still shaking.

 

* * *

 

He woke up to darkness and the whistling snores of Nott. With only the tiniest slash of the moon visible through the window, he could just about make out her sleeping form on the bed adjacent to him. Rubbing a hand across his eyes, he tried to blink away the fog in his head.

He knew that getting back to sleep would be impossible at this point, so he pulled back the blanket – did Nott cover him up? – and made his way downstairs with a sigh and as much stealth as he could manage. The front door would be locked so instead he stumbled towards a window, unlatching it with trembling fingers.

As soon as he had it open, he leant out and took a deep breath of the cool night air. The sky was clear, with no signs of rain or clouds that he could see, leaving the stars to glint up above him. Automatically, he began to pick out various constellations and ran through the various myths attached to them. After just a few minutes, his head started to feel a bit clearer and he found himself closing his eyes and just enjoying the quiet.

“Well, it seems our sleeping beauty has finally woken up,” a lilting voice said from behind him. Startled, Caleb spun around to see the ever-grinning Mollymauk. Despite the late hour, he still had his various chains and adornments on his horns, as well as his ridiculous coat. On the road, Caleb had spent hours looking at the various symbols covering it and he’d come to the conclusion that it was officially crossing the line of too much. Were anyone else to put it on, he imagined they’d look quite the fool but somehow, Mollymauk managed to pull it off.

And with such ridiculous trousers too…

“Is there any reason in particular you’re glaring at my crotch?” Caleb choked on his next breath and thumped his chest a few times to put an end to his sudden coughing fit.

“No, I didn’t, no, I just was staring into space and you were, well, you were in the way,” he rushed, the words coming out in a jumbled mess.

“Relax, I was just teasing,” Mollymauk replied with a roll of his eyes. Sauntering forwards, he came to stand beside Caleb, resting an arm on the windowsill. The pair of them stood in silence, just a few inches apart. Caleb couldn’t help shifting to put another couple between them.

“You know,” the tiefling said, without any prompting or trace of mockery. “Looking at the stars makes me miss the carnival. Sometimes we’d all just sit out on the grass and  point out the different shapes. Toya would always ask me to tell her stories about them and I’d make a new one up every time.” After a few more seconds of silence, he nudged Caleb with his elbow. “Come on, it’s your turn to tell me a story about the stars.”

“ _Wie bitte_? Why?”

“That’s how it works,” he insisted. “I tell you a story, you tell me one in return. It’s called bonding.”

“I’ll ask again, why?”

“Bonding,” he repeated, as if that answered everything.

Caleb thought it over. He could talk about how his mother once traded a week’s worth of grain to get him a book on the various constellations. He could talk about how he would spend warm summer nights comparing the charts in his books to what he could see above him. He could talk about how he spent his first night as a free man lying in the grass, just looking up at the stars and wondering how little they'd changed over the years.

He says none of these things.

“Goodnight, Mollymauk,” he said, turning away.

“Oh, don’t leave me hanging!”

“Goodnight,” he said, a little more forcefully.

“I’ll get a story out of you yet, Caleb!”


	2. Adomania - the sense that the future is coming too quickly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb wakes up and doesn't feel quite right. Mollymauk helps, in his own way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An update??? At nearly 4am??? It's more likely than you'd think.  
> I've had the first half of this in my files for a few weeks and then a whole bunch of stuff happened. Did you know kittens have really cute faces and really sharp claws?  
> Anyway, this probably has a bunch of mistakes but I want to put this chapter out NOW. I'll probably edit in the morning.

The next morning, Mollymauk makes no mention of their late conversation – though he does flutter his fingers in a wave that Caleb refuses to feel bad for ignoring. Nott had woken before him, as per usual, and he slumped into the seat next to her. He had managed to get a few more hours sleep, after much tossing and turning, but it did little to ease the ever-present tiredness he so often felt.

Slowly, he began to wake up properly, taking in the rest of the Mighty Nein chatting over breakfast, though Yasha was absent once more. His stomach turned when he considered having something to eat, and so Caleb simply spent the morning picking at one of the many frayed threads on his gloves and resolving to get something later.

Conversation soon turned to their plans for the day, dominated by the more vocal members of the group. Caleb was content to just sit and listen, letting the chatter wash over him as he focused in on a particularly long thread. He twisted it around his index finger, tugging on it gently to see if it would pull off. When it stayed in place, he took to winding and unwinding it around each of his fingers in turn. It likely would do little to help the already tattered gloves, but it gave him something to focus on rather than-

“Caleb,” came the voice of Jester, high and insistent. “You’re okay with that, right?”

His head jerked up and, with a glance around the table, he realised that everyone was watching him and waiting for his response. He pulled the thread tighter around his ring finger.

“Sorry, I was just, I didn’t,” he began, but his voice petered out. Clearing his throat, he tried again. “I must have dozed off for a moment. What is it we were talking about?”

Jester heaved a big, dramatic sigh, though by the playful upturn of her lips, he doubted she was seriously bothered by it. “We were saying that we’re going to split up today. Fjord and Molly and Beau are going to go see if there’s any work, while the rest of us are going to have some fun! You know what that is, yes?” He chose to ignore the dig.

“That sounds… agreeable.”

“Wonderful!” Jester clapped her hands and stood in a swift, only slightly wobbly motion. “I’m going to go get my bag packed and then we can go!” She starts off towards her room, before spinning on her heel and pointing a finger at Caleb. “Also, you should probably wash your face because you-”

“Stink, yes, you tell me every time,” he cut in. Jester simply stuck her tongue out at him and continued on her way. With a sigh, he slouched a little lower in his seat, silently dreading going out. The town was known to be a bustling trading post and its markets were sure to attract a fair amount of commerce. While he was more than capable of navigating the crowds, it didn’t mean he had to like it. Suddenly, he felt the tell-tale prickling of eyes on him and Caleb lifted his eyes across the table, scanning across the room.

Nothing. His hands clenched into fists beneath the table, and he tried to ignore the discontent rumbling in the back of his mind. Nobody was watching him, he told himself. He was fine.

“Are you ready?” A small, green hand brushed his wrist, causing him to startle out of his thoughts. Looking at Nott’s concerned face, he realised he must have spaced out again. With a glance back at the table, he saw that all eyes were on him.

“You know, if you aren’t feeling well maybe you should stay here,” Mollymauk suggested, without a trace of mockery. Before Caleb could even begin to protest, Jester let out a soft gasp.

“Caleb,” she said, voice suddenly gentle. “Are you feeling poorly?”

“Of course he is, look at the poor man! He’s practically about to drop from exhaustion. You lot go on ahead, I’ll stick here and make sure he doesn’t keel over.”

“Mollymauk, that’s not necessary-”

“Nonsense,” the tiefling cut him off, his smirk a strange mix of sincerity and mirth. “We can’t have our favourite wizard wrecking himself before we’ve even left the tavern.” And seemingly, with that, the matter was settled. Caleb was tugged upstairs by an insistent Mollymauk, while the rest of the Nein waved him off with various levels of concern.

Rather than splitting off into their respective rooms, Mollymauk pulled them into the one Caleb shared with Nott. Kicking off his boots, he stretched out on the bed that Nott had used, hands tucked behind his head and legs crooked off the side, while Caleb hovered awkwardly.

“Don’t mind me,” Mollymauk said, eyes drifting around the sparsely decorated room. “I’m just here to keep you from going catatonic.”

“There’s really no need for that.”

“You’re kidding right? You’ve been in and out of your own head all day. Just take this time to relax, alright? That’s an order.” The last sentence sent a shudder down Caleb’s spine, but he chose to ignore it and instead perched on the edge of his own bed. Glancing at the other man, he turned his back and slid a book out from underneath his pillow. At least he could read in peace for a short while.

Or not, as it soon became apparent that Mollymauk wasn’t quite as content with the quiet as he was. At first, he started humming a tuneless melody, and then began tapping his fingers on the bedframe, and at last crept over to peek over Caleb’s shoulder. Caleb was more than aware of his movements, each noise drawing his attention away from the pages in front of him. With a sigh, he snapped the book closed and turned to give the tiefling a half-hearted glare.

“Can I help you with something?”

“No, not at all,” he said, a sharp grin already in place. “Just curious as to what you were reading, is all. Gotta be pretty interesting if it’s got you so focused on it.”

“Not as focused as I’d like,” Caleb grumbled beneath his breath, before raising his voice to a normal volume. “It is just a book on magical theory, specifically that of divination.”

“Oh, so like my cards?”

“Yes, except these are actually capable of fortune-telling.”

“Oh, you wound me! Come on, aren’t you a little curious as to what’s coming up in your future?” As he spoke, he pulled out his cards with a practiced flourish.

“Even if I were,” Caleb said, holding back a snort. “I doubt those pieces of paper would be capable of doing so.”

“Aw, come on. Humour me?” With a sigh, Caleb agreed and he found himself scooting back against the headboard so Mollymauk could sit opposite him. He watched as he shuffled the cards, this time all performance without the purposeful sifting through for specifics, and split the deck three ways. With a quick hand, he flipped over the first of the cards: Death.

“Well that bodes well,” Caleb muttered, tightening his grip on the sheets.

“Now, now, don’t be so negative. It doesn’t _always_ mean death. I mean sometimes it does, but not always. It’s more for… the end of things, I suppose. Letting them go, getting ready for change. That sort of thing.” Caleb had no argument for that, and so Mollymauk turned the next card: the Hanged Man.

“You know, I’m starting to think that these cards are all bad news.”

“Hush, you’re overthinking. This one’s about letting go again, but more for breaking bad habits. I’m sure you know a thing or two about those, don’t you?”

“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.”

“Did you end up going back to sleep last night?”

Caleb said nothing.

“Didn’t think so. Right so the next card would be…” He revealed the final card. “Ah, the Wheel of Fortune! Seems things are really changing for you aren’t they?”

“I wouldn’t know,” Caleb replied dryly. “You’ve yet to tell me what they all mean to me.”

“Learn a little patience, wouldn’t you? So, let’s see. Clearly things are changing in all sorts of ways, some good and some bad. I’d say these definitely mark an end to a big stage in your life, but in a good way. I might be talking out of my ass here, but it definitely seems like you’re on your way to changing who you are.

“I’m gonna say it’ll be for the better though. Remember those bad habits? It’s not just the sleeping, I bet you have a whole bunch of them tucked up those raggedy sleeves of yours. Ah, ah, ah! No interruptions, I’m not here to lecture you on any of that, I’m here to tell your damn fortune. Anyway, so you’re going to change a whole hell of a lot, but it’s going to be for the better and then you’ll have a whole path of opportunities for you. Sound good?”

It took a few seconds for Caleb to respond. “It sounds like you’re talking out of your ass.” At this, Mollymauk barked out a laugh and began to gather his cards back up. “But thank you. Even if it’s not true, it is nice to think about.” With that, Caleb shifted away from the other man, reopening his book and burying his head in it. Mollymauk had the sense that their conversation was done for now, and returned to lazing on Nott’s bed while they waited for the others to return.


End file.
